Sirius Issues
by Le Chat Qui Garde La Lune
Summary: James is out of the country doing work for the Order, and asks Sirius to stay with a VERY pregnant (9 months) Lily. Sirius accepts-- making the worst decision of his life! Chaos, mayhem and laughter (at Sirius' expense) ensues!


"Damn it Sirius! I asked you ten minutes ago for that ice-cream!" Lily bellowed from her room, where she lay bedridden, swollen, and nine months pregnant.

"No you didn't Lily, it only seems like ten minutes because you're so cranky!" Sirius said cheerfully. He offered Lily a spoon, and was forced to duck as she chucked it at his head.

"That was stupid, now you have no spoon!" He laughed at her.

"Accio, spoon!" Lily called, making sure that the piece of silverware made contact with Sirius's head before it came to her.

"Scourgify!"She said calmly, now digging furiously into the ice cream carton, and licking its contents off the spoon.

"Ow! What'd you do that for?" Sirius 

"The spoon had your germs on it, I had to clean it before I ate from it." Lily said serenely. She stuck her tongue out at her friend before taking another gigantic spoonful of Double Chocolate Chip. 

"Not that, fatty, why'd you hit me?" Sirius said, pouting. 

But Lily never answered his question. "What did you call me?" Lily said angrily. 

"Er..." said Sirius.

"You called me fatty!" Lily cried, "you think I'm fat! James knows this'll all wear off, he'll always love me, but I guess I can't expect you to! I should have known better!:" Lily sobbed into her pillow.

Sirius just blinked at her before it dawned on him. _"Ooh! Riiiight, mood swings!" _he thought, happy that he remembered, _"James told me this would probably happen. Now, what did he say to do?..." _

In the bed Lily kept on wailing.

Hmm, whatever. Better comfort her at any rate."

"Lily, love, I'll always love you. Truly!" he said, ignoring his redundancy.

Lily sniffed and looked up at him with her round, green eyes. "Really?" she asked, almost pitifully. 

He beamed at her. "Of course! Not only are you my friend, but you're my best friend's wife, and future godson's mum. "And besides," he smiled slyly at her, "you helped me and Remus get together back in school. I gotta love you for that! He's a doll, and the sex is incredible!..."

"Okay! Enough information!" Lily said, wrinkling her nose, turning from to distressed to disgusted in a fraction of a second.

"Thank God Remus can't get pregnant, though." Sirius said, shuddering. Lily slapped him playfully on the arm.

"Uh oh, Sirius, is it eight o'clock? Lily said, turning an interesting shade of green. "You're supposed to let me know at five 'til eight!" She said exasperatedly.

"Why? Does it matter?" Sirius asked, confused. But it was too late, just as he saw Lily's stomach heave, she retched, and he was splattered in what had most likely been Lily's dinner. It was only then that he remembered James' warning.

__

"It's really weird, she throw's up at eight o'clock every night on the dot. We don't know why, she just does. So make sure to get her to lean over the sink, and if she's not well enough to do that, fetch a bowl or something. And rub her back, so she feels better..."

Wow, James' blabbering on would have been good for something, if he had actually listened. '_Who would have thought?_' Sirius wondered.

"Should you have had ice-cream?" He asked, looking disgustedly at what had once been a high-quality dragonscale jacket.

"Doesn't matter if I eat or not." Lily said, almost cheerfully. "Eight o'clock on the dot, every night."

"I'll keep that in mind for the rest of the week." Sirius mumbled. 

"Oh, it won't matter after tonight," Lily said nonchalantly. 

"What? Why? Jamsie's coming home earlier than expected?" Sirius said eagerly.

__

'Thank God! I'll be saved from this madwoman!' Sirius thought as he began to leap into a celebratory dance before he noticed that Lily was shaking her head regretfully. 

"Nope, sorry Siri, no James. Well, not yet. He'll be back soon though, after I let him know..." 

"Let him know what?" Sirius said, although his eyes widened in fear, he thought he already knew. But no, not for another week...

"The baby will be born tonight. Or possibly tomorrow morning." She reflected thoughtfully. "But definitely sometime before tomorrow at eight. So you don't have to worry about the upchuck reflex again!"

Sirius screamed loudly, and promptly fainted, but unfortunately his blissful state of unconsciousness didn't last long. 

"Just so you know Sirius, that was a very girlish scream." Lily said, shaking her head ruefully. "And I'll be sure to tell the others about it. In fact, it'll probably be my child's favorite bedtime story, especially when he grows up to know how macho you consider yourself to be." Lily said seriously. 

"You-- you're--!" Sirius stuttered, still shocked that he was in charge of a VERY pregnant woman until her good-for-nothing husband came home from work for the Order.

"Yeah." Lily said calmly, "I didn't want to freak you out earlier, but my water broke about a half an hour ago, and my contractions..."

"Cut to the chase Lils," Sirius said, actually humorless for once. "When is this baby coming?"

"Er--" Lily checked the clock on top of the mantle and seemed to consider the thought. "Probably, about two hours or so. But that's just guessing."

"I'll call the midwife," Sirius said. "And James. He should be here to support you in your, uh, time of need." 

**__**

An hour later...

"You-did-this-to-me!" Lily screamed, squeezing Sirius' hand so tightly he thought she would crush it. 

"No actually," Sirius said, gasping. "I didn't!" He seemed relieved that he couldn't possibly take the blame for _that_. He waved his hand in the air, and pointed at himself. "Gay...remember?" 

Lily looked murderous, and Sirius gulped before continuing. "The person who did this to you would be James, a rotten, evil kind of guy, if I may say so myself. He-- James--"

--Is right here!" Exclaimed a harried looking James who had just flooed in. 

Sirius, making sure to smile reassuringly at the livid beast in the bed (aka Lily) inched away slowly before whispering to his friend, "Look, mate, it's about your wife..." he began.

"What? Has she started yet? Is she okay? Is she in pain? How long...." James Potter rushed in, his usually unruly hair even more mussed than usual. He was wild-eyed and looking all around.

"Lily!" he ran towards her. "Lily, honey, are you all right? Are you in much pain? The midwife's got another delivery right now, but Albus said Poppy was willing to come if you want! Would you like that, sweetie?"

Lily brought her unfocused, pain-stricken gaze to rest on her husband. Suddenly her eyes narrowed in recognition. "That's right, I remember, it was YOU who did this to me!" She promptly hit him with a spell, rendering him unconscious.

Sirius, who until that point had been creeping towards the door unnoticed, exclaimed loudly, "NO! Lily! What'd you have to knock him out for? Now _I_ have to take care of you!

Lily screamed in pain, and Sirius knew she hadn't heard him. He examined James. Shit! it was one of Lily's new top-secret experimental charms she was working on for the Ministry. There was no way he would be able to revive James.

Lily , panting and sweating yelled, "Well don't just **_stand_** there, Sirius, DO something!

It was going to be a long night....


End file.
